Rejection and the Possibility of Rejection

Dating is often a difficult experience. I mostly do online dating, which I feel helps me cut down on part of the anxiety. It's a lot easier to ask out a stranger over the internet than a person I've met in real life who I may have to see again after they turn me down or it doesn't work out. That may be a challenge to set myself to in the future.

Meanwhile, first dates are not that traumatic for me. The early stages of dating aren't exactly stress-free, but it's not too difficult if things end a few dates in. It's a bummer if I was into the guy, but not really an anxiety trigger. The thing that gets me is when things start getting serious. My brain starts going wild with scenarios -- they're not as into me as I am into them; I've misjudged the situation; they're about to leave for parts unknown and haven't told me yet; my feelings aren't as solid as I thought; on on on. A lot of this comes down to fear of rejection. The anxiety comes when I'm afraid of being rejected for something I care about -- a relationship with this person who seems pretty awesome.

The only other time I have this strong an anxiety response is with auditions. I do musical theater, and I get severe anxiety before and during auditions, to the point where it affects my performance. I'm a good singer, but a number of directors probably couldn't tell because I was so nervous. I sometimes wonder if I fuck up relationships for the same reason. I'm an awesome relationship partner, but it's hard to tell in the beginning stages because I'm so terrified.

Fear is almost never a reason not to do something, so I keep going on auditions and I keep being open to new relationships, because the rewards of actually being in the show or being in the relationship are worth it. Oh, but it can suck hardcore to start. Yes, anxiety can flare up during relationships too, and it's always related to fear of rejection/losing the relationship.

Funny how knowing this doesn't make the anxiety go away. It's almost like there's something wonky in my brain making me have anxiety whether I want it or no! (Oh wait, there is.)