My Own Primary

Sometimes my anxiety tells me that I need to have a primary partner, someone who will set me above all others, to make me feel secure. This is not my better nature talking. The only person I am sure to have a lifelong relationship with is me. I can love other people, and I can even feel for myself that I will love this or that person my whole life, but I can't guarantee that they will want to be near me for my whole life, or that they will even outlive me. This is scary as shit, but there is nothing I can do about it. If I could force someone to stay with me even when they didn't want to, that would suck even more. 

If you don't know what a primary partner is, it usually describes someone like a spouse, with whom one lives, possibly has a mortgage and kids; and may be legally married to. Occasionally an individual might have two ore more primary partners, but I'm not sure how common this is. Secondary partners usually don't cohabitate, and often have primary partners of their own.

This model is not for me; I prefer a more egalitarian model where each relationship is separate and not labeled. I also don't want to live with a partner. This is a preference mostly separate from my anxiety. I just really like having my own space and not being responsible to another person. I adore my housemate; we've been living together for nearly 10 years; but it's not like living with a romantic partner. 

As far as I'm concerned, the only hierarchical model I can ascribe to is that I am my own primary partner. I am responsible for my own well-being. As an example, I came home drunk from a party recently. When I used to live with a partner, I would make him drink a full glass of water before I'd let him go to sleep when he was drunk like that. As my own partner, I made myself drink a full glass of water. This is a good standard of behavior -- how would I take care of a partner? That's how I mean to take care of myself.