Insecurity and the Roots of Anxiety

Lately I've been considering struggles and how people struggle along the way. Relationships are scary for everyone, but most people don't have chronic anxiety about them. Many people are afraid of public speaking; I don't mind it. I get a little nervous but it's not debilitating and it goes away quickly.

I'm convinced, though, that I have anxiety which hangs itself on relationships. It could just as easily have hung itself on work, or school, or some of the other things people think a lot about. Romantic relationships loom larger in my life than I wish they would. It's hard not to fall into the trap of defining ourselves by our relationships.

I never was in any kind of romantic relationship until college, and even then it only lasted two weeks. I can remember two weeks of total sleep deprivation, because we would be up all night making out and/or trying to sleep in a single bed. The first time we made out, I had a panic attack, though I didn't recognize that at the time. I'd walk around in a daze, thinking to myself, "Who am I? I'm someone's girlfriend!" That feeling of validation as a person was very pleasant, but it was based on a couple of ugly things. First of all, I wasn't all that into the guy himself. I was far more into the idea of being someone's girlfriend. Note above where I didn't say, "I'm Steve's girlfriend!" (Steve was not his name.) Secondly, I have worth as an individual. I don't need validation by a relationship.

It took me years to learn that, years in which I struggled alone, feeling lonely and useless. I was doing good work, taking interesting travels, moving to different places, but I had a hard time making friends, let alone finding romantic partners. Of course, I assumed that no one found me attractive, and that was why I didn't have romantic prospects. Although that may have been part of it, a bigger part would have been my inability to go in a romantic direction.

So it's not surprising that my anxiety would hang itself on relationships; those were the part of my life whose lack I felt most keenly, and and the part I was convinced my lack of physical attractiveness was blocking me from. When I discovered fat acceptance and got into therapy, I dealt with a lot of those feelings of unattractiveness and I found partners, but the anxiety stayed.