Accepting

Perhaps accepting that I may never be free of anxiety is a step in the right direction. I came across this blog post from last year. I recommend reading the whole thing. It's very eloquent and filled with nerdily interesting Star Trek references.

There feels like a lot of commonality between me and the author. I, too, am someone who does not require polyamory for happiness, but who is pursuing it for life enrichment reasons. I, too, have a clinical diagnosis of social anxiety. Never once does the author assert that not being poly would reduce anxiety. Rather, she/he assumes that anxiety just is. There are times when it will just chatter and there's no way to shut it down. (Mind you, I've known booze to do the trick, but the anxiety comes roaring back when the drunk wears off.)

The author points out that folks like Franklin Veaux and the authors of books such as Opening Up and The Ethical Slut have a lot of helpful info for people dealing with jealousy and insecurity in poly relationships, but that this advice is not always useful for those with anxiety disorders. They can make it seem like if we don't conquer our jealousy, it is our fault for not trying hard enough, when in reality anxiety is a way tougher beast than that.

In a way, I find this freeing, just as I did when I decided I was done limping through life on my own and needed to find a therapist, and then again when I decided my mental health would benefit from psychotropic medications because I was making decisions based on fear rather than on what would be best for me. It's okay if I can't always control my anxiety. Sometimes the best I can do is to make a distinction between what seems founded and what doesn't, and to ask if I'm not sure.

A fear I often have is that my partner is secretly mad at me. I know perfectly well that if he's upset with me he will say so. There have been multiple occasions when he has brought up issues with something I said or did, and vice versa. But I still have a hard time shaking the fear that he is mad at me. It's not illogical necessarily, because seething with unspoken resentment is something people do A LOT, and I've done it too. But in this case, I know it's not happening. Well, I'm 95% sure it's not happening, and it's that other 5% that drives me crazy.

However, there are ways to deal with this. One way is to ask. My partner responds a lot better to questions than assumptions, which can come out in ugly ways. The other way is to remind myself that the anxiety is just being a douche today. Or both.