What My Brain Did

Last night just before bed, I got an email from Partner asking if we could move our usually scheduled weekend date from Saturday to Friday night.

Not a problem, right? Sure, if I'm free Friday (I was), we can do that, no sweat. Unfortunately, we had been considering a possible camping trip for this weekend, which I had assumed would have to start on Saturday in order to get set up before nightfall. Never mind that it's ass-cold and I probably don't want to sleep outdoors in November, even though Partner is a furnace.

So when I got that email, my brain did its thing:

1. He's either forgotten or doesn't care that we had been discussing going camping together. 
2. If he doesn't want to hang out on Saturday, he doesn't want to go camping with me. 
3. I wish he would talk to me about it before just deciding not to go camping with me.
4. He's probably going to go camping with his other friend, who is much more outdoorsy and buff than I am. He likes her more than me and would rather hang out with her than with me.
5. If he asks me questions like that, it means he would rather do something else than hang out with me and I'm being an asshole if I say no, especially if I don't have a reason other than "I don't like having Saturdays free; it makes me anxious." 
6. Camping is his thing he does with his other friend; obviously he'd rather do that with her. I'm soft and weak and haven't slept in a tent since 1993, and I can't sleep without earplugs and a shower before bed and I always have to pee right after I get sleepy enough to fall asleep.
7. I want us to have our own things that we do together. My hobbies aren't good enough.

When I got into work this morning, we talked about it a little online, and he was all, "I wasn't sure you were up for it, and why can't we go on Friday?" 

I had wanted to release a little of the emotion by describing it to him, but I had forgotten that online chat is the worst medium for that and he got pissed off. I actually have a rule about not discussing emotions via chat because that's always what happens, whereas when we do it in person I am able to stress much more easily that my feelings are only feelings and I'm not blaming him or making him responsible for them. It really helps me to describe my feelings and name them, and to do it out loud to the person with whom the feelings are related. 

The weird thing is, I'm not that anxious about this situation. We're supposed to hang out tonight, and I think I can explain what was going on for me then. Obviously, I'm somewhat anxious since I'm writing about it, but it could be a lot worse.